There are certain moments in life that you’ll never forget.
Like when I sip my first coffee for the very first time,
when I held my first niece,
or when I found myself when I completely lost track.
2021 was a year when I didn’t figure everything out.
I was nervous — I didn’t know what I was doing.
If you ask me, it was one of my downfall moments — like, when you watched your whole life slowly fall apart and you tried everything you could… but it wasn’t even close to build the foundation. It felt like you tried — miserably — to put it back together, but once you knew you’d failed anyway, you gave up. After that, there was nothing you could do except let the dark washed you away. And the worst part was, you kinda hated, blamed, and badly wanted to put an end to yourself.
Sucks?
Worse. More like — I really thought I’d be happier if there was a funeral,
for me.
Did you know what’s come before created actual funeral?
Lavender — they said lavender is the person you met and instantly clicked with. The sweetest and most genuine person — their presence brings out the best version of yourself.
Thank God, I met a few of them.
They bought me food. Took me on a night ride. Took me to places I love. Surprised me with nice things. Remembered all my favorite things. Watched my favorite show because I said it was good. Hugged me. Created a daily check-up meeting. Other simple things but — well, they probably don’t know — really mean a lot.
They brought me the smell of summer — kinda reminds me how gently the sun is, how the sound of rain calms me down, how pretty things make me happy, how fun it is to plan my future and other nice things.
Importantly,
they remind me of how they’re gonna think they’re not enough for me if I really make an actual funeral. And I don’t want that — because they are enough, enough to make me still want to be here.
2021, what should I say to you?
I don’t know whether I say fuck you or thank you.
But, I know I’m strong enough to face all the shitty things you threw at me.
